In Memory of my Kitty - Sequoyah.

Hey Tidbitters,

Well, two Tuesdays ago, 10 Oct 06 - I was given the worse news.  Sequoyah, my cat was dying of cancer.  She had a cancer mass all over her abdomen.  This was the cat that had hyperthyroid.  She had been losing her appetite for even her can food that I fed her to give her her thyroid medication.  I thought it had something to do with her thyroid, because at times she did struggle with it. 

She had long hair so I didn't notice her abdomen.  I usually scoop her up in my arms to carry her, if I have to take her to her food.  That day, I was wearing a black shirt, and she has light gray hair, so as to avoid getting cat hair all over my shirt, I actually picked her up the proper way, one hand under her forelegs, and one hand at the tuck of the belly just in front of the rear legs.  That is when I actually felt her stomach - it was rock hard.  So, I took her to the vet and learned the grave news.

Exploratory surgery was an option with a very poor pronogsis of success.  Most likely, I would have lost her on the table, or it may have bought her a month's time at the most.  That seemed cruel to me, so I opted for steroids, so she wouldn't be in pain.  I was told this would perk up, for a bit, but then she'd lose her appetite all together.  Which is exactly what happened.  She did regain her appetite, and started moving her bowels until Monday.  She only got a little of her medicine.  Tuesday, she got none, and got to where she wanted water but wouldn't drink it.  She wouldn't even let me put it on her lips.  I took her back to the vet, and of course, they said this was the time to put her down.

Well, I had already been crying all week, and broke again in the vet's office.  They told me, they knew I wasn't ready, and since she wasn't in pain, she was only uncomfortable, they would give me to Thursday.

By Wednesday, I couldn't leave the room she was in.  She was very vocal, and wanted me close by, and I stayed with her.  Wednesday night was a rough one.  My water bed got too hot for her, so she'd move to the bathroom floor, then that got too hard for her, so I'd put her back in the bed and she'd lay her head down and rest there for awhile until she got hot again.  We rotated like this all night.

Thursday morning, she finally did drink a couple laps of water on her own, but she kept going to the door to go outside.  She's an indoor kitty, so I knew she wanted to go off and die.  This helped me with the decision to help her do that in a more humane way by taking her to the vet.  And so, hubby drove us, while I sat in the back of the Jeep with her in her carrier.  I kept my hand in her carrier the whole time.

I got to hold her head while it was done, and naturally I fell upon her once she was gone, lost in tears.  But then shortly thereafter, I felt a serene peace.  I knew she was no longer suffering.  I hadn't realized how much of my crying was FOR her, and what she was suffering.  But of course, I have cried since, and have known all of these tears now are mine, just because I miss her so.

Sequoyah was 12 years old.  She was my comforter.  It was a gift that she alone had.  Her last two days, I tried desperately to turn to my other cats for comfort, but they would have none of that.  I went back to her, and bless her heart, even though she didn't feel good, she purred for me to comfort me.  She was very a special kitty.  She was very spiritual.  I do feel her comfort from the other side, but the human in me, just wants to pet her, and behold her again.

Usually, I'm one, that when one animal moves on, they are making space for me to take on a new one.  Well, I really thought, since I already had four cats inside, that I wouldn't get a new one.  I really turmoiled over it.  I've been lost in my grief for her, and looking for hope, but I'd squash my hopes by deciding not to get a new one.

I finally decided yesterday morning, I had to make a decision, so I'd know to hope for a new one, or come to accept the household as it was.  I prayerfully went walking with my dog through the woods, and invited Sequoyah to come along.  I went through the pros and cons - having been thinking I had a list about ten cons, but realized it was really only two and a half.  But I still didn't know and was confused.  I asked Father Om and Mother Azna for more clarity, and immediately heard the song in my left ear, "Listen to your heart" - so I knew that was their message.  So, I searched my heart, and discovered it was hoping for a new kitty to provide a loving home for.

I wanted to name it after Sequoyah, so I decided since Sequoyah took the path back home to the other side, and her spirit was on the path with me in the woods, that I would name it Sequoyah's Path - but I'd look up "path" in Cherokee, since Sequoyah is a Cherokee name, of which I have some heritage.  I looked it up and it's spelled, Nvnehi.  It's pronounced, nuh-nay-he.  The Cherokee spell with the hyphens, and I saw the dictionary online that is said, to put in a Cherokee word, you'd have to put in the hyphens, so I tested it.  I put it in without the hyphens and sure enough it couldn't be found.  I put it in with the hyphens and found an amazing gift.

The novel I've been writing since 2004 that has just about all our animals in it to include Sequoyah, also has a Faerie Realm in it.  I'm getting Sequoyah cremated.  I have a cedar box that has a cat on it and some faeries that sit on my Harry Potter desk beside my computer desk.  That is where I had decided to put her ashes in when I get them back.

When I put the Cherokee word back in with the hyphens - it came back with three meanings a first meaning, then path, then trail.  The first meaning listed was "faeries".  I couldn't believe it.  It was like a sign from her.  And then I knew in my heart, I was on the best *path* for me - to get a new one.

I can't remember when I have cried so much for so many days.  I was very close to Sequoyah.  She touched my heart in a very special way.  She was one cat that I saw as a maternal figure to me.  I'm the Mama of all my animals, but spiritually, she was another mother to me, and she did mother me while I raised my kids.  I learned patience and more love through her.  She greatly impacted my life, and I'm a better person for her impressions.

It has been hard walking through this grief - but I know I must walk through it.  There's no running from it.  There has been an odd sensation, I have experienced while she was still living, but I knew I was losing her, and that is love.  In the midst of all that pain, I could feel a different sensation of love - I guess it was the sensation of knowing, I would have to let her go, even though I didn't want to.

A dear friend of mine told me, that when we spiritually bond with someone, be it a person or a pet, that when they go home to the other side a part of us is taken away, and that's what hurts, and that's from where our grief stems.  But the part that was taken from us, goes with THEM.  When he told me that, that did help me.  I was willing to do that for Sequoyah.  I was willing to feel this pain and grief, since she was the one that got what was paining me to lose.

I share this entire experience with you in detail in case any of you are suffering or have suffered anything like this in hopes it can comfort you.

I am getting better.  I am healing.  The new little one I'm getting today, is giving me hope.  I'm getting one from the vet's office.  I'll be heading there shortly after I send this.

I got to thinking of all the great experiences I obtained from Sequoyah and all that I learned from her.  There is much that I experience and learn from all my pets - why deny myself another beautiful experience with another one.

I am healing - I can finally after three weeks of crying - breathe.

My love to you all - and my love to your beloved pets too!  God bless!

In His Joy,
Seqkat >^..^<
http://www.villageoftidbits.com

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